My raw, unfiltered story about heavily exaggerated responsibility. –
I’m gonna get really real with y’all….
When I was younger I was the one you didn’t have to worry about. I was the teachers pet, the rule follower, the one who would take care of you.
That’s me.. at my core.. responsible.
But when did it go too far?
For me- I know the EXACT moment that my responsibility was taken advantage of. I know the EXACT time that it became heavily exaggerated.
I was five years old, my parents were fighting, and my dad asked me if I thought he should leave us. A grown adult, asked the opinion of a five year old child (his five year old child!) on whether or not he should stay in his marriage.
I remember my response “you should go if that’s what makes you happiest.”
I was supposed to be a child, but in that moment I became the adult. I began to realize that people didn’t know what they were doing and I had to lead the way.
In that moment, I took on the weight of the world and lived with it ever since.
I feared that nobody else would pick up the ball.
I worried that people wouldn’t know what to do if I wasn’t there to steer them.
I felt like there was nobody there to take care of me so I had to do it myself.
I was afraid that if I let go of the reigns for even once second, the world would come crashing down and there’d be nobody there to protect me.
I had to protect myself.
My relationship with responsibility was tarnished. I felt I had to be responsible, there was no other way.
People began to know me as the responsible one. Responsibility became expected. If I acted like a child in any manor, I was faced with the disappointment of others. I let people down.
I held up my act as the responsible one for as long as I could. Sacrificing my childhood, not allowing myself to have fun in the moment, always worrying about being the protector and controller of it all.
Until I couldn’t anymore. The expectations became overwhelming. I was missing out on the joy the rest of the kids were having.. so I rebelled.
I went to the total other end of the spectrum. I partied. I threw responsibility out the window. If I wasn’t supposed to be doing it, I did it!
I drank. I smoked cigarettes. I got high.
I neglected school. I cut class. I didn’t do homework.
Anything that resembled following the rules was not for me. The pendulum swung in the other direction.
That was “fun” for a while, simply because I wasn’t being responsible. It was my version of letting loose, letting go, and loosening the grip. Until that didn’t work anymore either.
Since then I’ve been a pendulum.. swinging from super responsible Lisa to screw the rules Lisa. For years I operated at both ends of the spectrum, swinging back and forth.
At work I was responsible, got things done, and did my job well. But boy did I live for those weekends where I could have some (lots) of drinks and finally let loose.
Now, I’ve become really aware of this pattern. I see it in the things I’ve done. And more importantly, I see how this pattern has effected me.
I’ve become aware of how my pattern to avoid responsibility has also helped me avoid my power.
I’ve become aware of my how my need to be in control of all things has impacted my relationship to my power.
I’ve noticed how acting like a swinging pendulum in regards to responsibility has created a swinging pendulum effect with my power and my next level (in business and in life).
I’ve become so very aware of how my relationship to responsibility has effected everything!
Not only this.. I’ve become aware that I’m not the only one who went through this!
So many women, assumed responsibility from such a young age.
So many of us learned to take care of others before we learned how to take care of ourselves.
So many of us suffered from heavily exaggerated responsibilities.
If you’ve made it this far.. know that you’re not alone.