Carnelian.

Growing up, I was never able to love and honor, or accept my body. I always felt too much- too tall, too fat, too sweaty, too loud, too smart, too powerful. I tried so hard to shrink myself down, to make myself as small as I could possibly get. Of course, that never worked. It never left me with more acceptance, only more shame for not being able to conform. I didn’t measure up to society’s standards, my family’s standards, my own standards. I was too fucking much and I hated it.

As I got older, I overcompensated. I feigned self love and self acceptance. I showed off the body that I hated hoping someone else would like it. I did my hair and makeup every single day before leaving my house to make sure I looked the part. I gave away my body to others, desperately looking for the love that I wasn’t able to give myself.

In hindsight, all I did was traumatize myself on many levels. I wish I knew then what I know now. I wish I could go back, but I can’t.

Sex became my validation. Every person who I gave myself to was another way to fill the voids within me from my lack of self love. Eventually I got tired of this, realizing it was digging me into a hole deeper and deeper. I was sharing my body and my energy with someone(s) who I didn’t truly want to be with and it was only leaving me more depleted.

The way I dealt with the pit I had put myself in was to stop having sex completely. I lasted a little over a year, completely unsatisfied. I wasn’t able to find anyone I deemed worthy to share my body with. Again, hindsight is 20/20. I realize now it was me who felt unworthy. How could I see the worth in anyone else when I couldn’t even see it in myself?

Fast forward about a year and one tumultuous mis-aligned relationship later- here I am- starting my journey to sexual liberation. I have worked hard on myself. I have dug deep, done the work, and healed lots of wounds. My inner child is happier than she’s ever been and I am more confident than ever.

So fucking what I’m too much for some people? Fuck it. They’re not my people anyways.

No longer will I abandon myself. If I am too much woman for you, then get the fuck out of my way while I find exactly what is meant for me.

I no longer run from my power; I embrace it.

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